Well, it's clear that I have put my hope in something other than the Lord. I know this because life didn't happen as i planned and I am falling apart over it. We have been waiting for 2 month now to have a series of appointments at the Mayo Clinic for our daughter Mary Margaret. For M&M's entire little short life of 14 months she has had chronic hives and skin conditions. Our allergy doctor here in St. Paul thought it might be an allergic disease called mastocytosis. She wanted us to go to Mayo to confirm it. Also mastocytosis can often be a secondary condition so she wanted to make sure that we weren't missing a bigger problem... like cancer! So as you can imagine, I have spent these last 6-8 just trying to pass the time with my eyes fixed on the goal of Feb 23rd... the day we find out for sure that Mary Margaret is ok and get the answers to our questions.
Well today was the day. We woke up and there were NO hives on Mary... anywhere. I should have been happy, but I was taken by fear that we wouldn't find the answers that I had put my hope in. I had stopped living for the will of God at each moment and started living for Feb 23rd and "the answers."
When we got to Mayo, the doctors couldn't really understand our verbal explanation of her skin condition. Our fault, not there's, I'm sure. I hadn't taken any pictures because I never thought we could have a day without hives. So they did nothing. No tests, no blood work, no other appointments... no answers. I have to wait more. I have to wait and see what her little body does and if more hives come back then I take pictures and send them down to Mayo. From there the doc will decide what to do.
Waiting. You know, I prepared myself to embrace "the answers" today. I expected good news, but was also preparing to carry the cross of bad news. I NEVER even dreamed of no news. I had put my hope in news. In answers. Not in Jesus.
I like to be in control. I spend a lot of time diagnosing myself and my kids before I bring them into the doctor. I fix my own problems before I come to the Lord (usually with a good long talk with a friend. :) I tell people how I struggled through my problems... after they are already fixed, neat, pretty. You know, when it's a nice pretty sharing. Something to inspire. I like to host people at my house, where I'm in control. If given the option, I like to drive. I like my life neat, figured out, pretty. I like to have a clean, orderly, peaceful home. I like to have the "right" emotions, you know the nice ones, joy, peace, patience...
I had all this figured out. Actually, I researched and decided that yes, Mary has mastocytosis. I decided that she has the kind that only affects the skin and that there are not going to be any other complications. All I needed was for these docs at Mayo to confirm that I was right. It was neat, it made sense in my brain. It was clear. I was in control.
But Jesus loves me to much to leave me in my delusion. I am not in control. I am not pretty and put together. I don't know the answers. and THANKS BE TO GOD that I don't have to be. He is.
At this point I dont' think he is asking me to receive the gift of Mary Margaret being cured. I don't know if she is. She might be. I think he is inviting me to recieve the gift of mercy. Receive the gift of His cross. That he died for me. He was born into messiness so that he could be born in my messyness. He died in messiness so taht he could die in my messiness. He comes to the messy. He comes to the weak. He comes to the out of control. He comes to the broken hearted. He comes to the ones who find that their hopes are crashing down around them. My answers, my false idols,my hopes, are not God. God is God. My control is not real. God is control. God is real. He is inviting me to receive the gift of Himself in my messiness. It's ok that I am sad. It's ok that I am angry. It's ok that I am irritable. It's ok that I'm not in control. It's ok that I am disappointed. It's ok as long as I INVITE JESUS INTO it. So often I stop at the first sign of this brokenness and I pull up the drawbridge. I nail big wooden beams across the door with a sign that says "out for the day, come back another time." Sorry Lord, this isn't pretty and neat. I don't understand it yet. I don't have it dissected and organzied. I havent' put little accessories on it yet. come back another time. Actually... don't come back... I'll come to your house. I'll come by when I'm feeling a bit better.
The gift. Receive the gift. The gift of Jesus in my tears. in my lack of understanding. in my fear. in my lack of patience. in my brokeness. Jesus reveals Himself to the broken.
Jesus. look to Jesus and be radiant with Joy. I stopped looking at Jesus. I had my eyes fixed on Feb 23rd. I had my eyes fixed on getting "answers." What did I find, no answers... only Jesus.
Jesus I trust in you.in this minute and in the next minute. Each moment that you give me, I ask you to help me to live in you, with you and through you and for you. not for a perfect, little neat package for life. help me to enter into and help carry the heavy, bloody, messy cross. You became messy for me, so that you could come into my messyness. COME!
